ONE HUNDRED WHAT?!

While my father was browsing Yahoo! Philippines, I saw a news article titled 'PNoy's First 100 Days' or something. Whatever. Though I didn't bother reading that article, seeing the title made me think - and some have said that it is a dangerous thing, my thinking. 

See, the election of our illustrious leader, our great helmsman, El Presidente Benigno S. Aquino v3.0, son of national hero-martyr Benigno S. Aquino v2.0 and first ever Seniorita Presidenta Corazon Aquino, was a momentous political event for our country. For me. It was my first time participating in our fair country's political processes, the first time that I - as an adult - had my say in glourious democracy and such and such. Except I didn't.

Because like a dumb fuck, I only filled out the front side of the voting paper thing and I didn't realize that there was something to fill up in the back. Then I passed the paper, and the voting machine ate it like a binging bulimic and belched loudly, oh well. Whatever.

ANYWAY. At first I was going to vote for the man who'd win, Binignit Aquino. I was like many of those who did vote for him, uneducated and easily caught by the hype(rthyroids?). I supported, and still support, the Reproductive Health bill for what it stood for, and liked to see the state break free from the shackles of the Vatican. But. And it's a big butt. Someone directed me to the Luisita Massacre and when I found out that Aquino, or at least his family, was complicit in the goddamn murder of a whole bunch of protestating farmers, well, I promptly added some blue to my yellow and went green. (A metaphor saying that I voted for Generalissimo Gibo instead)

Looking back at it, turns out my choice was a sound one. Let someone else champion the RH bill, because after one hundred days, our illustrious Presidente Peenoy (PNoy?) has turned out to be an utterly underwhelming ugh. And, man, I mean UGH. 

So now, 100 days have passed. One hundred days. Some would say that it's still too early to make any judgments or assessments or biopsies or whatevers on the President, and others would say that all things considered he did good with the economy and is showing some promise. And there are those who say that the whole August hostage taking thing, and those videos of police officers torturing suspects by tying their penises to strings and giving them a good yank, and goddamn students blowing each other up with fucking bombs in the fucking bar exam over some stupid fraternity shit in law school (objection your honor!), have had the effect of taking a shit in Aquino's swimming pool. Now there's a huge turd floating in the chlorinated water, and everyone's screaming and getting out of the pool faster than you can scream "SHARK!", and though everyone loathes to admit it, there IS a huge piece of crap floating there even if nobody wants to look at it. 

My own opinion leans towards the latter. I love poop jokes. If human civilization began with the invention of toilets, where man civilized himself by taking a dump in a glourious porcelain throne instead of holes in the ground, then toilet humor must be one of the main facets of civilized society. Am i rite? Da, comrades.

So, therefore, I conclude with my esteemed approximation, that in light of our glourious El Presidente's inconsistent performance so far - wavering between acceptable and as expected of a head of state, and the abysmal with all the screwups we've seen thus yet - I have uncovered that the fairest and most consistent and dependable thing he's accomplished, the most reliable act he performs day to day, the only single thing we can count on him to fulfill, the thing he has achieved in every single one of the ONE HUNDRED DAYS is... wait for it... 

SHIT

Oh man. Oh man. Some of you might say that I'm being unfair. Mean-spirited. Harsh. Rude. Crude. Freud. Dude. You prudes. But think about it! 

Think about it.

Shit. Generously assuming that the El Presidente is a normal sample of a human being, then it is a fair approximation to make that he shits at least once a day. For me, a person who shits only once every two days or so, this is a noteworthy fact. So, in short, you can depend on the Presidente to shit every day. 


Shit, as in the act of voiding one's bowels of excrements and craps, fecal matter - that great and most joyful, relieving, biological process of depositing the wastes we have accumulated in our body-temples dedicated to whatever beings we may or may not worship, that sacrament of sphincters, the consecration of clenching, there on that sacred throne of immaculate(ly conceived) white porcelain as we take dumps as though we ourselves are giving birth on a manger. Shit.

The President takes a shit everyday. You can trust him to do that. You can bet your life on it. And even if he doesn't excrete excrement, doesn't deposit his leavings on a toilet bowl, doesn't wipe his ass with the silk the bourgeois are so accustomed to caressing their behinds, he still shits.

He is so full of shit that even when he speaks, he is shitting. Look at him speak, look at him answer to reporters during the fallout of the hostage crisis, look at his mouth and the crap that comes out of it. Verbal diarrhea. How so, you ask? Well, look at how he converses with the journos - he can't even say anything straight, whenever he talks he ends up digressing and wandering into all sorts of topics only tangentially related to the matter at hand, he ends up answering none of the questions asked. He just wanders on, like a lost person shambling around without a clue as to where he's headed. Ambling around.

This is why when he was running for Presidente he shied out of that public debate. This is why when he was running for Presidente, they never aired footage of him talking or conversing over a period of time. Because if people saw him speak like how he talks now, they probably would've had second thoughts. Just look at him ramble on and on and on! 

It's a bit like how I ramble on and on. It's shit. And speaking of shit...

His face is shit. 

You heard me right. During the night of the hostage taking, after a whole bunch of people died and stuff, some journalist asked him in that press conference if he should apologize to China. Our glourious Presidente said that there was no need to apologize to China, because nothing wrong was done.

Then the next day, the Presidente visited the scene of the crime, went around the blood-stained bullet-riddled bus, and knowing that cameras were present and that he was being watched, he then cracked a smile. Whoops. Then that caused some poo-poo, and the President ended up apologizing for his inappropriate expressions. Get this. He had to apologize for his face. 

Oh man, what a guy, he had to say sorry because his face was wrong. Man. See, more shit. It didn't even have to come from his ass. Woah. How do you shit with your face? That's like magic. Eat your heart out David Beckham. Or was it Blaine. Who cares, fuck'em.

So after this fiasco, now we have a Justice threatening to step down over 'differences of policies' with the Presidente's policies - namely because he had his dudes alter the findings of the IIRC report, modifying it and absolving the DILG chief and PNP director and Manila Veep Mayor.

Puno is the President's long-time buddy and fellow shooting aficionado.

Puno is Tagalog for tree. Puno is also the name of some DILG guy who got fingered by the original IIRC thing. Puno is also the guy who the Presidente spared in his modifications to the IIRC thing. Puno is also the Presidente's superbestfriend forever. Uh-oh.

Another thing that ticked me off was when ABS CBN's Maria Ressa resigned. Shit, man. I hardly knew her at all, but I saw her on ANC when she was being grilled by Enrile and, man, when I saw her in action and saw her fence with all those politicos and Senaturds, man. She was eloquent, she was intelligent, she was quick-thinking, she wasn't tubby like Jessica Soho, she looked alright. Man, I want to have her babies. Is she single?

But more seriously. She sparred with those Senaturds and with words like "crystallize" and with clear and articulate explanations, reasoned replies, and her riposting the seemingly relentless and unstoppable Enrile (complete with his sunglasses), man. She was brilliant. She was fantastic. She should be the President! At least she knows how to talk like a human being, not like the guy we've got now. Man.

I mean, dig this. 

Senaturd: "Why did you not turn the camera away when the hostage taker's brother was being arrested?"

Goddamn Maria "Ruin Your Shit" Ressa: "We had a dilemma because on one hand, we didn't want to whatever the situation by filming the hostage taker's bro being captured. But on the other hand, the brother was begging for his life and we were concerned, because last week the very same police department was implicated in torturing suspects by trying to yank their dicks off with rope."

Translation: Fuck the po-lice.

Alternative translation: There are legitimate problems with the police, stop trying to pass the blame to the media (who was doing their jobs), go and blame the police instead (who are not doing their jobs, unless their job description involved 'mechanical castrationists').

What badassery. What a woman.

If only people like her were our Presidente, we wouldn't have any worries (well, we'd still HAVE worries, but we'd have less to worry about since we wouldn't have to worry about our Presidente being a fucking moron). Someone who's intelligent, someone who's got that rare and mysterious thing called common sense, someone who can talk properly and understandably like a humanoid being without straying off-topic and wandering into happy-land or wherever Pee-Noy wanders to when he's trying to answer questions (and failing).

Goddamn Pee-Noy. It's like when you pee while taking a crap. Man. Oh man.

One of the bad things about the Philippines, aside from its President, is the weather. I wish we had winter. Did you know that you can write your name in the snow with your Pee-Noy? Haha, bad joke. Awesome joke. Horrible joke. Tee-hee! lulz

God, where do I come up with these puns? I should be a stand-up comedian. Except if I say this stuff here, I'll probably get killed or arrested by some government goon squad. Hah.

Man, I'm glad I voted for Gibo. But I'm still kind of sad, when it comes down to it, because I told my friends that I wanted to vote for Aquino because of his support of the RH bill. I like the RH bill, family planning and natural/artificial contraceptives can help people. I'm also Pro-Choice. But, ugh, the worst thing is that this thing I support ends up getting championed by one of the persons I end up least liking. Gah. He says he'll make the country better, he says he'll do this and that, but so far what we've seen is a goddamn disappointment. Maybe it's not entirely his fault, because this country is full of goddamn disappointments and you'd have to be blind with nationalistic pride to not-see that. But still. The face of the RH bill, the face of change, the face of the supposed future of the Philippines, is now the guy who ends up having to apologize to China for his face?

What a bummer.

There are other, far worthier, people who could do this instead of a wannabe Senator who can't even get a single bill passed, who ends up becoming a wannabe President who only got there because of Brand Name recognition (patented copyright Aquino trademark logo brand). Ugh. A man who belongs to a family that's taken land from poor farmers, and has them shot by government goon-squads when they go and protest and try to get their land back. That's fucking obscene. Everything wrong in this country is embodied in this whole sordid affair. Political dynasties. The disparity between rich and poor. The power wielded by the haves, contrasted with the have-nots - even though the haves are the ones who don't have brains. A country ruled by absolute power turned absolute corruption, where those who rule maintain their high place through force and farce.  

I hope you enjoyed reading this article. It was funny, wasn't it? Maybe. Maybe not. Who gives a shit. Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the Shroomedian is the only thing that makes sense.

Maria "No Bullshit" Ressa should run for Presiente. I'd vote her in a heartbeat. Then she'd crystallize a stalagmite, lubricate it, and shove it like a suppository up all their... 


What the fuck was up with that "wang-wang" bullshit anyway?